My days are going to look much different this summer than they do now. At the moment, I spend about 32 hours each week sitting behind a desk. I relocate manila folders while interacting with some of the most incredibly beautiful teachers, mentors, and friends that anyone could hope for. I’ve learned so much in these past 18 months, and among those lessons is that a desk is no place for me! In June, I’ll drive Jefe to Banff, Alberta for the Grand Depart of the Tour Divide (more on this later, I’m sure). Ten days after he sets off, I begin coaching with CBDevo (more on this later, I’m equally sure). Other opportunities for work and dream fruition are presenting themselves (yup. I’m sure I’ll write about all this too), and, suffice it to say, there are some balls in the air.
Part of me is fantasizing about all of the opportunities and the different ways they could come to be. Days filled with giggling seven to nine year old girls, mud on our tires, power food in our teeth…swoon! And there’s a bit of me that’s stressed the eff out with uncertainty and overwhelmed with deciding what I should do. These sides of myself keeping me up at night engrossed in conversation with each other.
“It’s going to be great! What’s not to love about riding your bike in Crested Butte with badass little girls? And getting paid!?!”
“Yeah, and then what? Pass up a pretty secure career with wonderful people to ride bikes? Good adulating, Rachel.” And then I take a deep breath, and invite a third party to the conversation.
“What can this conversation, in my head, at 2:00am, contribute to the outcome of this scenario in real life?” That quiets the other two for a minute. They try to justify themselves, but don’t come up with anything good. That third voice wins, most of the time. I decide that if I’m going to make up scenarios in my head of how a future situation is going to play out, they’re going to be awesome! Picture this: eight eight-year-olds and myself, popping wheelies and dropping the gunsight bridge onto the banks of the Slate River! Wildflowers going crazy, a smile across everyone’s face, and confidence soaring! My schedule is filled just enough to leave time for me and my love to grow, spend time with each other and spend time with the dogs, and earn enough money to sustain a comfortably lifestyle. That’s what I’m putting out there. If I’m going to think about it, I’m going to imagine it in the way that I want it. A way that is free from stress and worry and full of hope, excitement, and enthusiasm.
I’m practicing. That one side of the argument is pretty charismatic; it’s easy to get lost in her drama. But I am siding with the third voice as much as possible, and it couldn’t hurt to put energy behind what I want, right?