It’s been a little while since I’ve written more than a couple sentences. I’ve had some free time, I’ve opened my notebook, I even finished knitting a hat. I have also had judgment by the truck load. Nothing has seemed good enough. And then I ask myself, “Good enough for whom?” (Yes, I speak to myself using proper pronouns.) My intention with these blurbs was to be authentically me; to share what I love and explore who I am.
The thing is that “who I am” does not always seem good enough either. The other day I screwed up a triple batch of zucchini bread. Sometimes I make decisions that cause my dad to shake his head in disappointment. Mistakes and differing opinions sometimes bring forward those beliefs that I’m not good enough. And then I ask myself again, “Good enough for whom?”
I love my life. My days are filled with inspiring people who teach and motivate me every moment that we share. Yesterday someone told me that my carrot cake was the best they’ve ever had. Everyday I blink in awe of the beautiful mountains that surround me. As I ride my bike past calves in their first minutes on this earth, my eyes well with tears of gratitude for the life that we share. So, who aren’t I good enough for?
All pretense and bragging aside, I am perfect. I am. We all are. The only thing that gets in the way of that perfection is our beliefs otherwise. We all have exactly what we need to be who we need to be, learn the lessons that life offers, and contribute the gifts that we have to share. Our self-inflicted limits are the only barricades between ourselves and the realization of this potential perfection.
Now that we’re a few days into Spring, I am remembering the words that I couldn’t stop uttering closer to Winter Solstice: Potential Energy. I felt so full of potential energy a few moons ago. Nothing could get in my way. I knew that this year would be full of amazing opportunities and nothing – especially myself – was going to get in my way! Riding those waves of momentum is a powerful experience. I find that when the ride ends I’m left feeling tired and defeated, without much memory of how real the momentum had been. The thoughts telling me that I’m not good enough feel a lot more real.
I need to be reminded of my perfection. The world does not provide very direct reminders, especially when I’m holding on to the belief that I’m not good enough. But when I’m open to the perfection of those baby cows, perfectly golden scones and lofty muffins, or the perfect simplicity of a single speed mountain bike on a gradually climbing dirt road, my own perfection doesn’t seem so far fetched. When I’m open to it, perfection is all around me and within me. And if perfect still isn’t good enough…